Always a...

Bridesmaid. Earlier in the week I was asked to be one. Again. For the 8th time in four years.

So once again this spring I'll be donning a brown dress with a bubble skirt and getting my hair done while trying to put on my face that suggests I really care about flowers. And though the dress isn't actually hideous and though the bride is truly someone I love and one who waited a long time to find love, I can't help but dread it just a bit.

I'm touched that she asked me because we both lost someone important in our lives recently.  She's not a friend who is just trying to keep her numbers even or is striving to have the biggest bridal party this side of the Mississippi.  I wouldn't have ever dreamed about saying no, because I want to be there on a day that will surely be bittersweet but stand with her when she celebrates the true love she so deserves.

But here is the deal.  As a single girl who has never been engaged and certainly never been married. I can't actually admit to anyone except other like-minded women that I kind of dread weddings. I can't admit aloud that I have had so many years of oogling engagement rings and buying gifts off of registries that my heart is starting to grow cold.  I hate the bridal mentality of "it's my day so I get what I want" so much that I automatically anticipate it. I think it screams of selfishness and it's just plain rude. I hate how the whole day suggests that this one particular girl is better than the rest because some guy asked her to marry him. Nothing about the day celebrates her own accomplishments; just the ring on her finger and the white dress. So even if the bride never exhibits a lick of "-zilla"symptoms, I constantly fear it. 

No single bridesmaid can ever tell her bride-friend to cool it. That the fact that she hasn't considered the style of dress she picked for her girls may not be flattering, expects multiple bridal showers (and subsequently gifts), requests hair styled in certain way (and on the worst occasions dyed a certain color) just has to go unnoticed. None of that is even a fleck of pepper on your friend's teeth.  Because no one even debates for a minute if they should open their mouths and say something.  Because the unspoken rule is that you don't piss off the bride. No matter how unreasonable. And maybe it's because I have this overwhelming sense of responsibility to others, worry too much about the happiness of those around me and was generally raised to be polite.* But none of that sounds appealing to me. 

And being a bridesmaid is a day filled with so many emotions. It's about happiness for your friend, but dread because you know you're just a few steps closer to losing her. It's about looking pretty but understanding that no one really cares because you're not wearing white.  It's about the stress of wondering if your single-self will be honored with a guest invite, and when are, agonizing over who to bring. Chances are you'll go by yourself and take advantage of the open bar. You may say a prayer that just maybe this will be the event where you meet your significant other. Or in the very least you hope there will be a cute, straight groomsman. And then you'll be quietly disappointed when you realize that at this age, the single table is just a dwindling few and there is no one you'll be taking home. Not for a night. Not forever. Your fairy tale is not to be written while sitting in a chair covered in sheets that cost more than your cell phone bill.  And the worst part? The reality that you don't even want that story tends to get lost in the fog.

So yeah, I'll just be over here pretending that one more 27 Dresses comparison is funny. I'll start hoping that if I don't at least have a date for this particular wedding, I can scrounge one up for the other two that are on the calendar for next summer.  And if not? I better have fair better hair than Katherine Heigel ever does, a kick-ass pair of heels and they better be stocking a variety of alcohol at the open bar.

*Don't worry, I'm trying to work on this. It's probably deserves it's own blog post and many therapy sessions.