Check Me Out

I struggle with introductions. I want to come off polished and put-together so much that I usually end up tripping over my words and making a fool of myself. And apparently this affliction carries over to the Internet as well.  I've been struggling for a few days on what to say in my first official post.

But what is better to discuss than the truth? I'm making a solemn promise to myself and our readers to be as real as possible on this blog. Put the good and bad out there and though I may regret actions, I have no intention of feeling sorry about feelings. No time to start than the present.

So many events that occurred in my 29th year (Why hello 30, I see you sitting there on the horizon. I'll deal with you in a few weeks) felt like my world was bottoming out: the demise of my long-term relationship, the death of a family member, moving in with parents, readjusting my short-term goals. It was just too much to take.

And then you know what? Suddenly it wasn't.  It was accepting that a boyfriend who would rather spend time with porn than with you isn't the right long-term match. It was understanding that our loved ones want us to be happy, so it's time cut the crap and move on. It was accepting that we're all going to have setbacks and in the long run, mine wasn't so bad.

Not that I would try to suggest that all of this happened brightly one morning and all was fine. Most definitely not. It was more of many nights crying my eyes out, soaking my poor soul in the bathtub with wine and books by my side, a healthy amount of friendship and a job that saved my sanity. Arguably some margaritas, a few mini-trips and retail therapy too.

My new smart is realizing that this single me is a brilliant dichotomy. I can read contemporary literature then veg out for hours with a reality show marathon. I am the girl his parents love but have him begging for more before dessert.  I'll mock your wedding shower but be the one crying the hardest out of happiness when you walk down the aisle. I don't know if I want to have children, but I do know I'd love to adopt. I live on a a cramping budget but I'll find to a way to hop on a plane and go on vacation.

Suddenly I've reached a point in my life where I actually have a small pool of men vying for my attention. I can boast a masters degree, teaching certificates, a foreign country and even a few local newspapers articles written about me. I wear pencil skirts, kitten heels and you'll rarely catch me in pants because I love my body. Through the struggles, and even in the midst of the fog of doubt, I've reached one of the happiest junctures in my life. I'm dedicated, I'm loyal, I'm sweet. But I'm also bold, sassy and surprisingly sometimes shy. This is me and I love it.

I may not be one of those women who sees themselves flying through life solo and feels at peace with it. I want to share my world with someone. I hope to find the one who wants to stick around. But until that actually happens, and my now-jaded shell starts chipping away, I'm going to have pursue my own balance.

Someone else can go ahead and settle for the boring guy who is going to buy her designer handbags and take her to the beach every summer.  I'll be over here going on first dates, telling great stories and not feeling guilty in the slightest for ordering another drink at happy hour.