Hell on Heels?

"I'm hell on heels,

Say what you will,

I done made the devil a deal.

He made me pretty,

He made me smart,

And I'm gonna break me a million hearts,

I'm hell on heels, baby I'm coming for you."

Last week I heard the new Pistol Annies song, "Hell on Heels," on the way out for drinks with two girlfriends. 30 seconds and the above lyrics later, they had reached the conclusion that Pistol Annies is singing about me. 

Also last week--I received a message on facebook from a friend of a friend whom I've never met. The message, enclosed in a sea of smiling, winking emoticons, informed me that "We've all been trying to think of a single guy in your town that you can date!!! We'll find you one!!!"

The disconnect between these two interpretations of my dating life seems to me a pretty remarkable analogy for the two starkly different ways in which I've seen the "world" out there view my life as a single 30-year old. Those who know me well (and there are few, I'll admit) can tell you that I relish my life as a sexy, smart, single woman who can take or leave most men. But in most others I sense a kind of pathetic sympathy towards me...the desire to "make my life complete" or "fix" the perceived flaw of singledom by "finding me a man." I've got news for you, people...I don't need your charity. I find me a new man every time I look in a new direction. And you know what? For now, single is the new smart for me.

I'm 30. I have my Ph.D. and a job I love. I own my house. I'm cute. I'm about to race in my first triathlon. I'm happy. So why does it seem like the whole world is in a big old hurry to get me paired up?

Maybe I'll give in and get all coupled up some day...but for now, I'd like to introduce the current leading men in a little narrative I like to call "avoiding serial monogamy, a few men at a time." 

"MayBeGay" Guy--kind of sexy in a weird, intellectual, old-fashioned kind of way. Bends over backwards to display far more than the standard accoutrements of chivalry (like standing up when a lady enters the room...yah.) Drove 45 minutes to pick me up for a date 5 minutes from where he lives so I wouldn't have to drive myself. Are you picturing a knight in shining armor? Try picturing the knight's fairy godmother. Because I'd bet my life on it this guy secretly fantasizes about other men.

TriGuy--work colleague. Training for triathlon with me. Tricked me into a date by asking me to come over for a "dinner party" he was hosting; when I got there, there were only two plates on the table and three bottles of wine. Openly displays fetish for Asian women. I believe he probably has a whole skeleton closet full of fetishes. I think we're dating in his head.

SweetLips--I've been on 3 whole dates with this guy so far. Met him (EEK!) online. Quiet but confident, adorable eyes, musician. Kisses me like he means it. He's the right kind of wrong.

"Medina" (?)--Met him in a bar in a random big city. He was wearing the t-shirt of the rival pro football team I love to hate, a team that just happens to be from my hometown. I heckled him about his t-shirt, of course. I'm meeting him for dinner this week, and I have no idea what his name is. He's in my phone as "Medina" because all that I remember about him is that he lives in Medina and wears t-shirts for shitty football teams. Wondering how long this will be a problem.

9 1/2 Weeks--haven't seen this guy since college. Didn't really know him in college. Randomly, he started sending me flowers and other random items in the mail, including granny panties and pink fur handcuffs. (What?!?!). Sent me multiple one-way sexts. 2 days after I got the handcuffs in the mail, he declared that he was "in a relationship" with a random girl on facebook. (Again...what!?!?!)

F*$# Buddy--we dated for a couple of months after my last long relationship. He's amazing in bed. He annoys the f*@# out of me when he opens his mouth. I now see him for 20 minute sessions when I need a quick orgasm. He's ok with that.

I'm giving Ciara's song "Like a Boy" new meaning. If you have a problem with that, don't read any more of my posts.